I have never been good with change, particularly any sort of large-scale change. It paralyzes me, pins me with indecision and traps me between possibilities. It terrifies me, steals breath from by chest with a soft flutter of feathers in my throat; my breath, and my voice. I become mute, unable to articulate what I want, or don't want, or haven't even considered yet.
Usually, I try to ease myself into it gradually--I'm a cautious person by nature and I try to make sure I've thought of everything before making any sort of decision--but sometimes that simply isn't possible. The world moves too fast; I can't keep pace.
I thought I'd have more time.
I can finish my degree by taking five courses over the summer; of those five, only four are required. Three would be abbreviated three-week-long courses, and two would be two-month long. The four I need all run from May til July, which is why I need the fifth class. The fifth class would run from the start of July until August--and that would give me the three-consecutive months of school needed for loans. The alternative is, of course, to take three over the summer, and then three in the fall (why three when only one would be needed to complete my degree? Because three is the minimum required for student loans). I could be starting my Master's program as early as September. Either way, I will be finished by December, at the latest.
I am destabilized. It seems like no matter what choice I end up making, I must pick-apart the meager stitches I've already knit so as to reassemble these threads in a new city, a new school, and start again.